As featured on WFLA Bloom Tampa Bay | Family estrangement expert Tania Khazaalreveals how unresolved childhood pain controls adult communication and what parents can do to rebuild trust and achieve reconciliation.
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KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- Survival Responses: Adult child estrangement is often driven by the nervous system’s “survival brain” (Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn). These are involuntary physiological reactions to perceived stress, not a conscious choice to be hurtful or avoidant.
- Childhood Pain Triggers: The adult child’s body filters current interactions through memory and past experiences. Even neutral comments can trigger a defensive response if the nervous system associates the parent’s tone, volume, or presence with past emotional pain.
- The Pursuit-Withdrawal Cycle: When a child is in “Flight” mode, parental pursuit (excessive calling or texting) increases the child’s internal sense of danger. Reconnection requires stopping the chase to allow the child’s nervous system to return to a state of safety.
- Predictability Rebuilds Trust: Healing a dysregulated relationship requires “boring predictability.” Consistent, low-pressure interactions signal to the child that the environment is now safe, which eventually allows the survival defenses to drop.
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Look, I’m going to be straight with you.
If you’re reading this, you’ve probably spent countless nights replaying conversations with your adult child, wondering where it all went wrong. You’ve tried everything -choosing your words carefully, waiting for the “right time,” walking on eggshells – and somehow, every single attempt to connect ends in shutdown, arguments, or more distance.
Here’s what nobody talks about: it’s not just about the words. It never was.
I recently sat down with Gayle Guyardo on WFLA’s Bloom Tampa Bay to share the family estrangement expert’s perspective – one that differs from therapy: your child’s nervous system is hijacking your conversations before you even get three sentences in. Until you understand this, you’ll keep having the same painful experiences over and over.
Here’s What’s Really Happening: Your Child’s Nervous System Is Running The Show
When I work with parents, they all say the same thing: “I don’t understand. I’m being so careful with my words. Why does everything still blow up?”
Because your child’s body and nervous system react to patterns from childhood that are still subconsciously ingrained, we’re not talking about conscious thoughts here. We’re talking about automatic survival responses that kick in before your child even realizes what’s happening.
Let me break this down in a way that actually makes sense.
When your child experienced emotional pain growing up – whether it was criticism, feeling unseen, unpredictability, or having to suppress their needs – their body created protective patterns. These patterns got wired into their nervous system as survival mechanisms. And here’s the wild part: those patterns don’t care that you’re trying your best now. They don’t care that you love your child. They’re just doing their job, keeping your child safe from what felt dangerous in the past.
The Four Ways Your Child’s Body Tries To Protect Them (Even When You’re Not A Threat)
I know this might be hard to hear, but your child isn’t trying to hurt you. Their nervous system is just stuck in old patterns. There are four main ways this shows up:
Fight: When Everything Becomes A Battle
This is when your child gets argumentative over the smallest things. They blame you for everything. They need to control the conversation, interrupt you, raise their voice. It feels like they’re attacking you.
But what’s really happening is, their body learned that the only way to feel safe was to fight back, to be bigger, louder, to have power. Maybe growing up, their voice didn’t matter. Maybe they had to fight to be seen. Now, their nervous system defaults to combat mode the second they sense any criticism or control.
I see this a lot in adult children who felt powerless growing up. The body says, “Never again.”
Flight: The Art of Disappearing
This one kills parents. Your child avoids every difficult conversation. They deflect, change the subject, make excuses to get off the phone. After one disagreement, they disappear for weeks, months, or even years.
What’s actually happening: their body learned that escape was the only way to survive emotional overwhelm. Maybe they grew up in a home where conflict was scary. Maybe they learned that staying and trying to work things out only led to more pain. So their nervous system’s solution? Run.
And the hardest part? The more you chase them, the faster they run. Because chasing feels like danger to their system.
Freeze: The Emotional Shutdown
This is the child who goes completely quiet. One-word answers. Blank stares. They’re physically there, but emotionally? Gone.
I’ll be honest: this isn’t them being difficult. This is their nervous system completely overwhelmed and shutting down to protect them. Think of it like a circuit breaker flipping when there’s too much electricity.
Kids who freeze often grew up feeling like their emotions were too much, too big, not welcome. So their body learned to shut everything down rather than risk being “too much” again. When you try to push through that freeze and make them talk, you’re actually reinforcing the danger signal in their body.
Fawn: The People-Pleaser Who Resents You Later
This is the one most parents miss because on the surface, everything looks fine. Your child agrees with you, apologizes quickly, seems cooperative. But underneath, there’s deep resentment building.
Fawning happens when a child learned that keeping the peace was the only way to stay safe. They abandoned their own needs to make everyone else comfortable. Now as adults, they still do it – but they’re angry about it. They say yes when they mean no. They smile when they’re hurting. And eventually, that resentment explodes or they just disappear.
What I Wish Every Parent Understood (That Therapy Won’t Tell You)
Here’s what I learned through my own healing and working with countless parents and adult children dealing with estrangement – and what I now teach parents:
At times your child’s reactions have almost nothing to do with what you just said. They’re reacting to what their body remembers from years ago. When you said something that sounded like criticism, their body didn’t hear your actual words – it heard every criticism from childhood. When you got emotional, they didn’t see your current tears – they saw the unpredictability they learned to fear.
These aren’t character flaws or manipulation tactics. I know it feels personal. I know it feels like they’re trying to hurt you. But these are survival responses. Your child’s body is doing what it was trained to do to stay safe.
You can’t logic someone out of a nervous system response. This is where most parents get stuck. They think if they just explain better, if they just prove they’ve changed, their child will suddenly get it. But you can’t think your way out of old, ingrained wounds. The body needs to feel safe first.
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So What Can You Actually Do? (Real Solutions, Not Theory)
While understanding the ‘why’ is a start, it’s useless without a ‘what next’ – you need a concrete strategy to begin doing things differently.
1. Learn To Spot When Their Nervous System Takes Over
Start paying attention to the physical signs: voice gets higher or faster, breathing gets shallow, body tenses up, they suddenly need to leave, they go quiet mid-sentence, topics change abruptly.
When you see these signs, that’s not the time to push forward and “finish the conversation.” That’s your cue to slow way down or stop entirely.
Try this: “I notice this is getting hard. Let’s take a break and come back to this when we’re both calmer.” And then actually take the break. Don’t guilt-trip them about needing it. It can be hard to do this in the heat of a charged discussion, but taking a purposeful pause to reflect on what’s happening in the moment can make all the difference.
2. Get Your Own Nervous System Under Control First
This might be controversial, but I’m going to say it anyway: your emotional regulation matters more than your child’s right now.
Why? Because nervous systems are contagious (think mirror neurons). When you’re anxious, desperate, or defensive, your child’s body feels it and goes into protection mode. When you’re calm and grounded, it gives their nervous system permission to relax.
Before you reach out or engage in a difficult conversation, check yourself: Am I grounded in my body? Is my breathing slow and deep? Can I stay calm even if they get activated?
If the answer is no, don’t have the conversation yet. Work on yourself first.
3. Stop Defending, Explaining, and Justifying
I know this is hard to hear, but when your child shares pain and your first response is to explain why you did what you did or defend your intentions – you’re reinforcing the danger (in their eyes).
Because what your child’s body hears is: “Your pain doesn’t matter. My perspective matters more.”
Instead, try this: “I hear that you felt hurt. Thank you for telling me.” And then stop talking. Don’t add “but I was doing my best” or “you don’t understand what I was going through.” Just let their pain exist without defending against it.
That simple validation starts to rewire the pattern.
4. Become Boringly Predictable
Nervous systems heal in predictable, consistent environments. They stay activated in chaos and unpredictability.
What this looks like: You follow through on what you say. You don’t swing from super available to completely unavailable. You maintain standards consistently. You don’t create drama or crisis.
I know that sounds boring as hell. Good. Boring is safe. Boring is what pain needs to heal
5. Give Them Space Without Making It About You
When your child pulls back, your instinct is probably to reach out more, to reassure them you’re there, to fix things. But often, that pursuit activates their flight response even more.
Instead: “I’m here when you’re ready. No pressure.” And then actually mean it. Don’t send guilt-trip texts. Don’t post passive-aggressive things on social media. Don’t call other family members to complain about them.
Space with true acceptance is healing. Space with resentment and guilt is just more pressure.
The Truth That Changed Everything For Me (And Might Change Everything For You)
During my own estrangement from my mother, therapy served to validate my pain and reinforce the villain narrative I had built about her in my mind. However, after a long time, something inside me changed. I began to understand that there are always two sides to a story and realized I had been so focused on my pain that I never once considered hers.
So I did something I wish I had done sooner: I wrote my mom’s story. Not my story about her – her actual story.
She was one of sixteen kids. Her dad died when she was three. She grew up poor, neglected, and displaced by war. When her family came to Canada, they lived in a house with no heat, barely surviving.
And suddenly, I got it. No wonder she didn’t know how to meet my emotional needs – no one ever met hers. To her, giving me food, shelter, and the chance to work was love because that’s all she knew.
That’s when I stopped waiting for her to change and started accepting her exactly as she was.
That shift freed me.
Look, I’m not saying what happened to you or your child was okay. I’m not saying you have to forget or pretend the pain wasn’t real. But I am saying that healing requires seeing each other as humans who were doing the best they could with the nervous systems and skills they were given.
Where Do You Go From Here?
Healing family estrangement isn’t about perfect conversations or immediate forgiveness. It’s not about one person being right and the other being wrong.
It’s about understanding that childhood pain creates automatic patterns in the body—and that awareness is the first step toward change.
When people heal internally – when they feel safer in their own nervous system – their conversations naturally soften, their defenses lower, and reconnection becomes possible.
The work isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
Start Rebuilding Connection: Get The Table Method (Free)
Here’s the thing about healing family relationships: you can’t force connection. But you can create the conditions where it becomes possible.
That’s why I created The Table Method – a simple, 6-step practice that uses shared meals to rebuild rhythm, safety, and trust in your family. No pressure. No forced conversations. Just consistent presence that allows healing to happen naturally. (with or without contact)
Inside The Table Method, you’ll learn:
– How to bring calm and rhythm back to family life through one shared practice
– When and how to gather without pressure or forcing connection
– How to guide conversation with presence, not panic
– How to let consistency rebuild trust over time
– How to navigate common challenges with steadiness and grace
This isn’t about creating the “perfect” family dinner. It’s about creating a rhythm that signals safety to your child’s nervous system. One meal, one moment, one table at a time.
I believe this simple yet powerful ritual can truly transform relationships within your family unit, so I’m giving it away completely free to help you on your journey towards reconnection and reconciliation.
Download The Table Method for free
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About Tania Khazaal
Tania Khazaal is a family estrangement expert and emotional healing specialist who helps parents rebuild trust and restore peace with their adult children. As someone who personally experienced estrangement and reconciliation with her own mother, Tania brings both lived experience and professional expertise to this deeply personal work. Her approach combines nervous system regulation, pain-informed communication, and practical conflict resolution strategies that honor both parents’ and adult children’s emotional needs.
Featured on WFLA Bloom Tampa Bay, Yahoo News, and other major media outlets, Tania teaches families how to move from painful disconnection to peaceful communication through her courses, coaching, and The Renewal Collective community.
Ready to take the first safe step toward repair? Get The Reconnect Starter Kit. This foundational guide provides the clarity and emotional safety you need before deeper repair work can begin.